By Angela Echevarria
Published October 23, 2024
Have you ever lashed out at someone over an unrelated problem? Do you ever lose control of your actions while you are upset? Managing your emotions is something everyone must learn to have healthy relationships with other people, but it is much harder to do than it sounds. When everything starts to get irritating it is difficult to understand where that emotion is coming from, and it’s even harder to stay calm when the metaphorical soda bottle is about to burst. But anger and irritation are secondary emotions, and we must get to the root of it to properly express our emotions and keep from lashing out at loved ones.
The first step to expressing emotions in a healthy way is to regulate ourselves. When our emotions overwhelm us it’s easy to do things that we might regret but we have the power to mitigate that damage. I will be going over some tools and skills you can use to regulate yourself when it feels like your emotions are out of control.
One of these skills uses the acronym STOP.
S stands for stop. Freeze everything when you feel your emotions start bubbling up, don’t say or do anything. This is the point where you should try to name your emotion. Feel where it sits in your body and try to understand it.
T stands for taking a step back. It’s difficult to calm down when you are in a triggering situation. Taking space from what is riling you up so you can tackle it with a fresh outlook later will help keep you in control and lessen the chance of impulsive decisions worsening the situation. Here you can implement any coping skills you find helpful including listening to calming music, journaling, etc.
O stands for observe. Look around you, try analyzing the situation objectively. Realize that your Automatic Negative Thoughts are cognitive distortions created by a child’s brain in survival mode and they no longer serve present you in more adult situations. You have the ability to tease through these distortions and identify the true cause of these emotions. Tip: Journaling makes it easier to differentiate between what is an automatic thought and what is a real one because you can go over what you’ve written and analyze them. This is harder to do in the moment or after you’ve had the thoughts since they slip away so easily if not written down.
P stands for proceed mindfully. Ask yourself how you would like the situation resolved and how to get to that point in a mindful and controlled way. This can include using “I-statements” to express your hurt and approaching triggering situations while in Wise Mind (the mental state where logic and emotion meet).
Another one of these skills is called opposite action. Opposite action asks us to identify the urges an emotion gives us and challenges us to do the opposite. When the urge is challenged, the situation is transformed into a more positive experience which then soothes the initial emotions discomfort. This is helpful in validating the uncomfortable emotion but keeping it from resulting in a maladaptive behavior. If you are feeling angry, opposite action challenges you to identify that emotion and the urge it brings (yelling, for example) but to express empathy and kindness or even simply just walking away, instead of acting on the urge. In order for this skill to work, you have to believe that engaging in the opposite action will result in soothing those uncomfortable emotions and urges, otherwise it is unlikely to have any impact.
Now that our emotions are regulated, we can communicate how we feel with our loved ones. I’ve had many situations where I’m trying to express my feelings with a friend, but I didn’t go about it in the right way, and it made the situation worse. One of my favorite skills for good interpersonal communication that I use on a regular basis is the DEAR MAN skill.
The acronym DEAR MAN is the following:
D stands for describing the situation. Don’t talk about your emotions just yet, try to be objective and factual so you and your loved one can both be on the same page about what happened. For example, if the thing that upset you is your loved one cancels plans very last minute you can say “You canceled our plans to the movie last minute after I already bought our tickets”
E stands for expressing how you feel about the situation. Your loved one doesn’t always know that something upset you so you should express it using “I-statements” to avoid blame. For this step you can say “I feel insecure and like I my time or money isn’t valued when plans get canceled last minute.”
A stands for asserting yourself. Ask for what you want because they might not know what you are looking for from of the conversation. If you would like an apology, here is where you ask for one. Asserting yourself also applies to needing to say no if the situation requires it, maybe they asked for an apology that you don’t believe you should have to give. “If you really need to cancel plans, I would like for you to cancel as soon as possible and for you to acknowledge my feelings”
R stands for reinforce. Reinforce the assertion mentioned in the previous step by explaining the positive effects of the action being done. For example, “If you did these things I would feel reassured in our friendship and see that you value my time/money/efforts” You can also explain the negative effects of the action not being done. For example, “If these things aren’t done, I will continue to feel insecure and unvalued, even more so since I’ve explained how it makes me feel. I will think that you do not care about my feelings.”
M stands for mindful. You should be keeping your focus on what you want to happen after the conversation. Ignore any distractions or attacks and stay on topic. You should simply repeat your position and what you're asking for. This might sound like “No we aren’t talking about that right now; I’m asking you to consider my time and feelings and stop cancelling the day of our activity”
A stands for appearing confident. Regardless of how you are truly feeling you should speak clearly and try to make eye contact. This is important to you so you should seem serious.
N stands for negotiate. Be willing to meet in the middle. Sometimes we won’t get everything we ask for, but not everything is worth ruining your relationship with a loved one so try to collaborate with them for something that works for everyone. Consider a reduced request or ask them for an alternative option. Try to make it work.
Experiencing and expressing strong emotions doesn’t have to mean burning bridges or hurting loved ones. You aren’t a bad person for having those emotions, we just have to channel them and express them in a healthy way. Remember that feelings can be uncomfortable, but they aren’t going to harm you and the more they are repressed, the more they will show themselves in maladaptive ways. Be brave, you got this! Your loved ones will feel you trying.
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