By: Jacquelyn Sortino
Published: November 22, 2024
Being a teenager today can feel like standing at the edge of a whirlwind, with social pressures, expectations, and a thousand different voices telling you how to think, act, and feel. In all of that noise, finding your own voice—the one that's true to who you are—can seem impossible. But here’s the thing: finding your voice is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself, and learning to express it assertively (without leaning into passive-aggressiveness) is the key to making sure it’s heard and respected.
Why Assertiveness Matters
Assertiveness is about communicating clearly and respectfully. It’s not about being the loudest or the most dominant voice in the room, but about being confident in what you say, how you feel, and what you need. A lot of us, especially todays youth, struggle with this because we don’t want to come off as too pushy—or worse, hurt someone else’s feelings. But the flip side is that sometimes, in trying to avoid confrontation or make sure we're still liked, we slip into passive-aggressive behavior.
Maybe you recognize it: the sarcastic comments, the silent treatment, or dropping hints instead of saying what you really mean. It’s easy to fall into this because it feels less risky, but passive-aggressive communication rarely solves problems. Instead, it creates confusion, frustration, and builds walls instead of bridges.
So, How Do You Become More Assertive?
Know Your Worth: This is where it starts. You must believe that your voice, your opinions, and your feelings matter. It’s not about thinking you’re better than anyone else—it’s about realizing that you’re just as important as anyone else in the room. Once you internalize that, it becomes easier to speak up without feeling guilty or second-guessing yourself.
Use “I” Statements: Instead of saying, "You never listen to me!" try saying, "I feel unheard when I don’t get a chance to share my thoughts." See the difference? The first one feels like an attack, while the second is more about how you feel. This approach allows you to express your needs without making the other person feel defensive, which is key to assertive communication.
Practice Setting Boundaries: Boundaries are crucial—whether it's with friends, family, or teachers. You have the right to say no when something doesn’t feel right, and you can do it kindly without feeling like you need to explain yourself a hundred times. Start small, and practice saying things like, "I’m not comfortable with that," or "I need some space right now."
Keep It Calm, Keep It Clear: When you’re assertive, you're direct but calm. Being passive-aggressive can come from not knowing how to say what you mean. So, practice being clear without letting emotions overwhelm your words. If you’re upset, take a breath before responding. You don’t have to shout to be heard—sometimes a calm, steady voice makes the biggest impact.
For Parents and Families: How to Help Teens Find Their Voice
Parents, this one’s for you: creating a space where your teen feels safe to express themselves is vital. Here’s how you can support them:
Listen Without Judgment: Teens need to know they can come to you without feeling criticized or dismissed. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, give them the space to share without interrupting.
Model Assertiveness: You might not even realize it, but your kids are watching how you handle conflict and communication. If you’re passive-aggressive, they may pick up on that. Model the behavior you’d like to see in them—be direct, clear, and respectful in how you talk to others and to them.
Encourage Them to Set Boundaries: It’s easy to overlook a teen’s need for boundaries, but respecting those boundaries teaches them they have control over their own lives. This might look like giving them the space they ask for or allowing them to say no to family events if they’re overwhelmed. The more you support their autonomy, the more they’ll trust themselves to stand up for their needs.
Finding the Balance
For those who tend to be passive-aggressive, remember, you’re not stuck in this pattern. Learning to be assertive is a skill that takes time and practice, but it’s so worth it. When you communicate assertively, you’ll notice that your relationships improve. People respond better when they know what you need, and you’ll feel more confident and understood.
So, to the teens reading this: I challenge you to start practicing today. Begin with small moments, like asking for help on a project or sharing your thoughts during a group discussion. You don’t need to have all the answers right now, but as long as you keep trying, you’re already growing.
And to the families and parents, be patient. Finding your voice takes time, and your support is invaluable. By fostering an environment where assertiveness is encouraged, you’re helping build a generation of young people who feel empowered, confident, and ready to take on the world.
Let’s make sure our voices are heard in a way that builds each other up, not tears each other down.
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