By: Madelynn Streby
Published: February 9, 2025
Let’s be real: no one really likes being in conflict.
Some people find it easier to start a conflict than others, though.
There are people who get upset about something and easily communicate it to the person they’re upset with, being very real and honest with them about how they feel.
Then, there are people who get upset about something someone did, but they feel afraid to talk about it and bring it up; they’re either afraid of the person who hurt them getting mad and hurting them more, or afraid of coming off weird or sensitive. So, they just keep their sad feelings inside.
Which kind of person are you? Let’s figure it out.
Let’s say that something really embarrassing happened to you at school. Maybe you tripped and fell, or maybe you didn’t know the answer to a question when your teacher called on you, or maybe you didn’t have enough money for lunch. Your friend was with you when the embarrassing thing happened, and your friend laughed at you. Are you more likely to…
A. Snap at your friend and tell them to stop laughing at you, or,
B. Continue to feel embarrassed but stay quiet, not letting your friend know how you feel?
If you answered A, I have some pointers for you.
It can be easy to blurt out rude things to people when we’re offended, causing there to be even more hurt feelings between us and others. And you might be thinking that it’s good to quickly share how you feel, and you’re right, it is! It just depends on how you say it.
Are you rude back to the person who hurt you? Do you say something mean and offensive when you don’t like something that they did? Do you raise your voice, or change the tone of your voice to sound mean? If so, this is an unhealthy way of dealing with conflict. There are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict. If you find it easy to snap back at someone who hurt you, a healthy way of handling this conflict is by kindly and gently telling the person how they made you feel. So, if your friend laughed at you after you felt embarrassed, instead of being rude back, you could speak to them in a kind tone of voice, saying something like, “Hey, I understand you maybe thought that was funny, but I didn’t, and I actually felt really embarrassed. I care about you and our friendship, so I want to be honest that it didn’t make me feel good when you laughed at me. Do you think next time, if I get embarrassed, you could help me feel better by being on my side and not laughing at me?” This type of response communicates how you feel, but it isn’t rude or jarring, adding even more conflict between you and your friend. And if your friend is a true friend, they will care about how you feel and listen to you.
Now, if you answered B, I have some pointers for you, too.
If you’re feeling embarrassed about something and your friend laughs at you, it can be easy to not speak up and share how you feel. But, this is an unhealthy way of dealing with conflict. When you don’t communicate how you feel, all of your feelings can get bottled up inside and end up creating bitterness in your heart. Sometimes, when you bottle all of your feelings up, one day they explode, and you end up doing and saying things that you regret and don’t mean.
A healthy way to deal with conflict is the same way that’s needed for the other type of person who answered A: to kindly and gently let your friend know how you feel. If you care about your friendship with them, you don’t want anything between you two, right? And if they care about your friendship too, they will care about your feelings and try to not laugh at you again!
The best thing to do in any type of relationship, whether it be with your sibling, your parent, or your friend, is to communicate how you feel in a kind way. Don’t explode with rudeness, but don’t bottle things up either just to be nice. Share how you feel, and that will help resolve conflict with those you are close to. Sometimes they won’t receive it well, but if they truly care, they will make a change so that they don’t keep hurting you in the future.
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